


The Secrets That We Keep

by Turtlebaby



Category: White Collar
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Episode Tag, F/M, First Kiss, M/M, Multi, Secrets, Talking, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1374796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtlebaby/pseuds/Turtlebaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth has some guilt. So does Neal but he's not so good at sharing - not that El gives him much of a choice.</p>
<p>Spoilers for S5 (some pretty damn specific) - Originally posted between episodes 5x08 and 5x09 as an almost episode tag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secrets That We Keep

**Author's Note:**

> Also some random talks of potential wooings that I threw in because my heart needs to believe.

She knocked loudly, urgently. But when he opened the door she just stared at him dumbly. "Come in, Elizabeth." He stepped aside.

"I have to ask you a question. And I need you to be honest." She had walked into the room and was talking to his table. 

"Elizabeth?" He went to her and put a hand to her arm. "What is it?"

When she turned to him there were tears in her eyes and she was chewing the inside of her lip. 

"You're kind of scaring me." He let his hand drop and crossed his arms over his chest. "Did something happen?"

"Peter is so - he's Peter. Because you are- are so damn sneaky. And he's like a dog with a bone and-" she sucked in a breath. "Is it my fault?"

"What? No!" Neal shook his head hard and frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"When Peter was in jail, I asked the impossible of you. And I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have because I knew you'd do something that-"

"Elizabeth. Stop." He interrupted her. "I got the tape. I turned the tape over. Peter was released. End of story. There's nothing for you to feel guilty for." 

"Don't you lie to me, Neal Caffrey." She was glaring, her whole body tense. "I am not a fool."

Neal dipped his head. "What I did-" He raised his eyes to meet hers, voice steady. "Was worth it."

"What did you do, Neal?" She put her hand against his chest, just over the hammering of his heart. "When I asked you to do whatever it took, what did you do?" 

"What it took." He stepped away from her touch. For the first time since this nightmare began, shame radiated through him. "Trust me, this is better than a life of snowmobiles and fake IDs." He tried to joke but it was a thin veil. 

"Not if it means you ending up in prison instead." She closed her eyes tight. "I didn't mean for you to risk yourself."

"Didn't you?" His voice was soft. "You're right, you know? You asked me to do whatever it took. And you know me, better than most people. I'm Neal Caffrey, I specialize in the impossible, but you also know the cost."

She put a hand over her mouth and a tear slid out from beneath her lids. "I'm sorry."

"But Elizabeth," He continued like she'd never spoken. "It's not your fault. The opportunity would have arisen even without your words."

"But you wouldn't have-"

"I would've." He stopped her again. "It was my decision to make a deal with the devil. And now it's my debt to pay."

"Why?" There was something wrong here. 

"Because I... because Peter. Because- " He looked frustrated with himself. "Because he deserves better than he got from me. Because he treated me like family and he, we had something like friendship and I had something real and it felt good, Elizabeth, like trust. Because he's one of few that even bothered trying to trust me. Because I love him." He raked his fingers through his hair. "And now, I screwed all of that up. I broke his trust to save him. Hagan can't hurt me any more than that." It took a minute for the words he said to register but when the did he clenched his jaw hard.

"Hagan?" Now Elizabeth looked confused. "The forger?"

"You can't tell Peter." Neal's eyes were wide. 

"I know." She was still frowning but he could see puzzle pieces slipping into place. "And I won't. Not now. I can't... The coins. The cash. All those thing Peter's been obsessing over. You did it. Didn't you? Peter's right." 

He didn't deny it. 

"For Peter?"

"Mostly." It was as close to a confession as he would ever come. "And for Mpz."

"But not... not for you. Not just because you could." It might have been wishful thinking but he thought he heard relief in her voice.

"That doesn't change anything." He spoke truthfully. "I still liked it. It was still a rush. Doing the wrong things for the right reasons still doesn't make them the right things." 

"Oh, sweetie. It changes everything." She reached in and caught his chin with her fingers. "I don't care what you say, this is our guilt. I asked and you gave."

"I told you, I would have done it-"

"Because you love us. Me. And my husband." She cocked her head and her smile was wistful. "Do you know why Peter's so angry, Neal? Do you know why he's so hard on you?"

"Because I'm a criminal." Neal's lip turned up on the corner. "He told me himself."

"No. It's because he loves you. And he's absolutely terrified of losing you." She traced her fingers over his ear, tucking hair that didn't need it. "To prison. To a life he can't be part of. That you're going to disappear somewhere he can't chase you."

Neal turned away. "He's sure got a funny way of showing it." 

El put a hand on his back. "He's Peter. And you- Neal, you're his best friend. And this, what we did-"

"What *I* did." Neal interjected quickly.

"What I asked you to do, it's breaking his heart. Because he doesn't know why. He doesn't understand why you're suddenly...."

Neal whirled around to face her. "Acting like myself?"

"Keeping secrets." She stepped into his space. "Mine, yours. And it doesn't take a genius to look at you and see the sorrow, stop acting like you don't care. You might be the best of the best, Neal Caffrey, but you're not conning me." She ran a hand over his jaw. "I'm sorry, for what I asked of you. But you will never know how grateful I am." 

Neal just looked down at her, eyes wide. "Elizabeth." His heart skyrocketed as she stood on tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his. He was helpless against it as her lips slid over his and he groaned against her lips. His hands found themselves in her hair and tugging her closer deepening the kiss, tongues touching tentatively. She made a noise and he snapped back to reality and pulled away. "No. No no no." He wipe his hand across his mouth like he could erase the last minute. "This is not happening."

Elizabeth licked her lower lip and sighed. "It should be."

"Peter." It came out in a ragged whisper. "He already doesn't trust me, this is not going to make it better." He was trying not to panic.

But Elizabeth just looked moderately amused. "Calm down." She placed a hand on his arm. "There are some things you don't know."

"I know we should not have done that!" He shook his head and started pacing. "Like he doesn't have enough reason to hate me. Now I'm getting cozy with his wife." He was mostly talking to himself.

"Neal." El grabbed his as he moved passed her again. "It's ok."

"It's not." His eyes were wild. "Because I want to do it again."

"First, I think I need to fill you in." She pointed to the table. "Sit."

He sat. She took the chair across from him. "What?"

"Peter and I have talked about this." She tried to start.

"About you kissing me?" 

"About kissing you in general." She paused to gauge his reaction. "Though the original plan had more wooing."

"Wooing?" He looked puzzled. And intrigued. 

"Well, It was mosting going to be be me doing the wooing. Peter would have attempted, but he’s not much good at it." Elizabeth smiled. 

"Peter was going to..."

"He was going to try." Elizabeth shrugged. "And if that failed, I'm pretty damn convincing. But you're right. It wasn't supposed to go like this. First move was supposed to be Peter's."

Neal snorted back a bitter laugh. "Maybe you should have double checked with him before you came, Elizabeth. News flash, he borderline hates me." Adrenaline was flowing. Along with disappointment and regret. He was a little relieved to find those emotions still worked. 

"He doesn't. Didn't I make that clear? He's hurt. And he's sad. And, ok, he's pretty pissed. But he doesn't know what we know. He doesn't know that you've sacrificed all progress up to this point for him." 

"That's not going to matter, Elizabeth. He's FBI first. And when he finds out what I've done he'll have no choice but to do his job."

"He'll find a way to save you." She looked so adorably sure that Neal kind of wanted to cry. "It's what he does for the people he loves. But you need to trust him."

Neal blinked as his vision blurred. "I do. I always have. That's why this- why this hurts so bad." The confession broke a wall he'd been building so carefully. "I want him back. I want him to trust me. But I don't know how to fix this." He closed his eyes and let the tears slide down his cheeks. 

"It's damaged, Neal, not broken. It can be repaired." She had moved around the table to sit beside him. "He misses you, too." She pulled him toward her and wrapped him in a hug. 

Neal half laughed, half sobbed against her hair. “So much is wrong, Elizabeth, and I don’t even know where to begin to fix it.”

“Oh, sweetie. We will. You mean too much to us.” She pulled back and met his eyes. “We’re going to need to talk to Peter.”

“Eliza…” 

“I’m not saying tonight. I’m not saying this week, even. But Neal, he thinks he can’t trust you and it’s breaking his heart. He needs to know. He needs to know what I asked of you and what you did for us.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I won’t say a word. It’s our secret for as long as you think you need to keep it. But Neal, when it’s time - when you want to talk to him, I will be there, on your side, if you want me to be. I’m in this with you.” 

This time it was he who drew her in. “And in the meantime?” He was talking against her ear but the whisper did little to hide the fear in it.

“In the meantime, this is the price I pay. These are the secrets we keep.” She wrapped her arms a little tighter around him. “Whatever happens, however long it takes to find our footing again; just know it was worth it.”

“You say it like you’re so sure everything will work out.” He sighed.

“It will. Because you’re worth it too.” She unwound herself from him and stepped back. “I better get home.”

Neal followed her to the door and shut it behind her before leaning against it and sliding to the floor with his head in his hands. He wanted to believe her, he did. He needed to. And for her, for them, he would try.

**Author's Note:**

> And as always; Comments, Kudos, or Concrit is always always welcome. Feedback of any kind is very much appreciated!
> 
> Also, I just noticed my own pattern of Neal sliding down walls onto his ass. Self, stop.


End file.
